Anonymously Yours

The following letter was left anonymously for Women’s Ministry.

Dear God,

My Lord.  Why does my heart have to be so wicked?  Why does my flesh have to be so strong?  I am grateful for my free will but hate the challenges it brings.  The selfish desires of my flesh are taking over.  It seems temptation is stronger than ever.  Where is my faith?  Where is my strength in you?  I pray for protection but don’t feel any.  I pray for peace but don’t feel your presence.  I pray for strength but find myself enjoying my weakness.  How can sin be so enjoyable when I know it is breaking your heart?  I come to you broken and lay this sin at your feet, only to pick it right back up when I leave your presence.  How can I be so stupid?  How can I be this weak?  Why must I enjoy it so?  Help me Father.  I am asking You to give me a new heart because this one is too wicked.  This one enjoys this sin too much to let it go.  So, just like You did for Saul in 1 Samuel 10:9, give me a new heart.  You don’t do things to be a coincidence.  My birthday is 10/9.  What if you wrote that scripture – 1 Samuel 10:9 – just for me?  If You did, can You make my heart new, and let it only beat for you, my husband, and my children and help me love them unconditionally?  Can you put iron walls of protection around it?  Can you make it bulletproof?  Help me guard it every day and when wicked tries to enter, hold me together and close to you.  Take this wicked heart and let me live by yours.  Amen.

You come every Sunday, you are involved in Bible study classes, volunteer projects, and maybe you even teach a class…or two. You are involved. You are always here and always smiling, but not on the inside.  No one really knows what is going on in your life and the burning fire in your soul – the fire that consumes any good thought about yourself or any good word from someone else; the fire that reduces to a vapor the promise of your Heavenly Father – the one that says you are forgiven, and you are my beautiful child and I love you.  Yes, I see your sin and I love you anyway. 

We struggle with sin because we are human. God knew that we would not be able to overcome sin without His strength, and He knew that sometimes we would not overcome it at all. Sometimes we will fail. So He provided the Perfect Lamb for the sacrifice for our sins.  But shaking the shame and guilt of sin is hard to do, and Satan does not want you to be free from that bondage. He loves for us to feel vulnerable, weak, and that our prayers are futile. He wants us to listen to his lies – the ones that play on repeat in our heads – You are a sinner and not worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.  There is no hope for you.  You are wicked and will never be truly saved.  You cannot be saved – look at your life!  God will never want anything to do with you because of what you are thinking and feeling.  Your heart is black.   As long as we believe the lies, we are paralyzed in place and cannot receive the grace God gives.

What lies are you listening to?  What struggles are you bearing on your own because you are too embarrassed to speak up and admit what is going on? Surely no one else would ever understand how you feel and what you are dealing with. Surely no one has anything that even compares to this going on in their lives. We come, we hide in plain sight, and we say we are fine when we are not.

 Sometimes in the midst of upheaval in our lives, we don’t think so clearly.  We replay every failure and every sin that we have given in to. But Jesus has already been our atoning sacrifice. During those times when we don’t feel the presence of God in our lives, we must cling to His promises.  Faith is not based on feelings.  Faith is based on the God-breathed words in the Bible, and the shed blood of Jesus on the cross.  His words say, Your heart is not black, you are not wicked, I forgive you, I love you, I gave my son’s life because I knew you needed a savior, and yes, I can give you a new heart.  I can help you love your family and others the way I love you – unconditionally.  There is nothing you can do that will stop you from being my child.  And when you wander, I will be close, waiting.  I will be watching, protecting, and waiting. 

Sin doesn’t disqualify us from God’s love, mercy, and acceptance. It actually qualifies us and prepares us to help others struggling with sin. We are only qualified to help others see God’s grace and love if we know that we need it as much as they do.

Anonymously Yours

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