He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day… Psalm 91:1-5
She desperately wanted to be standing on the top of a hill, flowers covering it as far as she could see. Her arms are outstretched, and the wind is blowing through her hair. It is just her, those flowers, the wind, and her creator who is so close she can barely breathe. She knows deep within her heart that it is just the two of them there on that hill. As much as she thinks that she has become stronger, she is just as weak as she always was. Her heart and mind are just as fragile as they have always been. She tries to pretend that it doesn’t hurt, she has already been through so much, surely it shouldn’t hurt as much. She still tries to escape becuase she just wants it all to go away. In her mind, all the pressures of the world just float away as she stands atop that hill. All the thoughts of being beautiful, or skinny, or perfect…They just go away. As she stands there having a breath or two alone, without anybody else, she sees the person she wishes to be but she seems so far away. She sees how much simpler it would all be if only she were stronger. She is so weak, so desperate for her savior. Desperate for a few seconds alone with just Him and her. As much as she would like to say she has it all together, she doesn’t at all. That is the beauty of it all. She knows that He can be her strength in this desperate time of weakness. She knows that she can close her eyes and be on that hilltop.
Looking back at her life she knows that He was her strength in the times of pain, she knows that she can’t be strong without Him. Even though she can’t escape all her problems or all the struggles she deals with, she knows that no matter what, her God is still holding her in His hands.
That hilltop she dreams of is what peace feels like when she cries out His name, knowing that she cannot possibly live in this world without Him. His peace is a hilltop in her finite mind, and there is no other way she can describe it. It is more than words. It is more than even a feeling. It is perfect, and she can’t begin to understand it. To her, it is a sunny but slightly windy day. It is the warmth of the sun against her face as she looks up and closes her eyes stretching out her arms, the wind blowing through her hair. It is knowing that Her savior loves her and cares for her, no matter the struggle, no matter the pain. It is knowing she can close her eyes and remember the hope that she finds in Him alone. That is everything to her, it is all she needs.